I Hold On
by SunshineandBarefoot
Summary: I got the idea for this from Dierks Bentley's song I Hold On ( baby, looking at you right now, There ain't never been no doubt Without you I'd be nothing So if you ever worry about Me walking out Yeah, let me tell you something. I hold on. I hold on. Can you hear me, baby? I hold on)


It's been three weeks since everyone was cleared to return back to the field. Deeks knew though that Kensi's storm was still raging inside and she would in no way let him or anyone else in. He knew she was still upset with him not going on the rescue mission, but he had his reasons and someday she would understand but now was not it. So like he had promised her outside of the ambulance he would be patient with her.

Deeks woke early that morning and grabbed Monty's leash for their morning run like he did every morning before hitting the waves.

Throughout his morning routine he ran everything from the last few weeks through his mind wondering what he could have done different. Going on the mission to rescue her was out of the question, it would have been too much to see her tied up beaten, bleeding, and bruised. No, not after what he went through at the hands of Sidorov and Andros. She told him she knew what he was going through, God did he wish she never would know the physical pain only to have it happen not even a year later and it killed him inside knowing he wasn't there to have her six like he always did. He would have even broken his promise to never get himself killed if it meant her never experiencing the pain and torment.

He showered and grabbed his bag and coffee making sure he had the card that he scrolled his favorite words that he always made sure she knew when she had to go undercover on her own on, there was a tiny bit of hope they would be what she needed to open up to him again. Arriving at OSP he mutters to himself of course she's here already what else did you expect, now you got to find another way of planting the note. Setting his bag on his desk and looking around no body was at their desks despite the urge to go looking for them he was on a mission and he had to be quick, he didn't want to just set it on her desk she'd find it too quickly. Finding her stack of not yet viewed files she would be working on for the day he sticks the note in a folder about five down in the stack.

"Ahem... what are you doing at my desk Deeks" Kensi asks sounding a bit curious after all it had been a while since he stepped foot near her desk.. in fact it seemed he walked as if he was on thin ice around her and chose his words very carefully which was unlike him but she knew why.

"I uh... I was just grabbing a few files to make your work load easier" he replied with a smile picking up the files making sure to leave the one with the note and returning to his desk.

"Mr. Deeks a word with you please." Hetty calls from her desk

"Uh oh Deeks what'd you now?" Sam asks with a smirk

"That can be a number of things" Kensi chides in

"Why do you guys automatically assume I'm in trouble when he Hetty calls me?" he says walking away

"How are you today?" Hetty asks as he takes a seat

"I'm good. Got up went for a run with Monty, caught some awesome waves. You know my normal routine.. but today seems much better than the others right now"

"And your partner? How is she?"

"Kensi.. well she uh.. she seems to be in a little better of spirits still not talking to me but hey she cracked a small joke., that's a start right?"

"Of course Mr. Deeks but remember in our line of work we are all haunted by nightmares and at some point your partner will need a friend, don't lose hope if the storm begins to rage beyond her strength that's when she'll need you most and won't admit it"

Returning to his desk he opens a file and begins reading it over noticing that all eyes are on him wondering if he was in trouble or not. "Relax guys I'm not going anywhere, you won't have to train a new puppy anytime soon"

"Who says we're gonna train someone else? We were thinking of replacing you with Monty.. I mean he gets a long great with Kensi, doesn't talk ba-" Callen said

"Oh but you see Monty has to listen to this one station and Kensi hates it, so it wouldn't work out too well" Deeks interrupted

"It's a lose lose situation no matter what. We'd be better off training a new guy.. preferably Thor" she says with a sigh

"Really Kens? Okay I'll play this game I would rather be partnered with.. "

"Well Sam now we know why she kept him around for so long.. he's the closest thing to Thor she'll ever get."

"Good point G. Hey wait I'm the closest to Thor look at these guns" Sam says flexing his biceps

"Your uh.. kinda lacking the golden locks that come with Thor" Deeks says pointing to hair

"Hey Kens the kids are getting along again"

"I see that Callen, give them another half hour or so and we'll have separate the two to different room and take away their toys" She says closing the file she was currently working on.

Deeks watches from the corner of his eye as she grabs the next file, the one he hid the note in.

"Hey Deeks how come you couldn't have been more help on these and taken more than 4?" She asks looking down at the closed file dreading the mounds of files left

"Because then the day would be too easy on you Princess" he says not even looking up from his current file

She knows there is reason he was at her desk and a reason he had left this file because he counted how many he was taking and was now putting off opening the file "But I thought that's what partners were for." she says now looking at him wondering why he is staring at his file and not at her, but clearly in another space or even dimension.

He feels her stare and makes no attempt at looking up from his file, now wondering if the note was really a good idea or maybe it was just his nerves. What if she gets mad. Oh well Marty it's too late now he tells himself and finally meets her gaze. "I don't see Sam and Callen taking over paperwork for each other, so no, that's not entirely what partners are for."

"But Sam and Callen have a completely different partnership than we do Deeks." she says with emphasis on different

Deeks starts to open his mouth with a reply but closes it again and looks down at the current case he is working on. He doesn't want to sound to harsh on her but he wants to know where exactly they stand so with out looking up he asks "It is?"

"Deeks I didn't.."

"No Kens I completely understand." he closes the folder and stands up "I'm going to get lunch, anyone else want something while I'm out?" he jotted down what everyone wanted and left

Kensi looked back down at the file and slowly opened the file. There folded in half was a card that she knew had nothing to do with the case she slowly opened the card and there written in her partners hand writing were the words he had first said to her when she went undercover on the King case..

_Sunshine, I will be with you every step of the way, even if you don't see me. _

She folds it back up and sticks it in her bag, not saying a word she leaves. She has to think and wants to be alone. She knew it would happen sooner or later, he would find a way back in it's what he did best. No matter how hard she tried to keep him at arms length he wiggled his way in and this time it was harder especially after the night they shared when she let her walls down completely.

Deeks returned a moment later with every ones lunch and just as he figured she had already left. It was really no surprise he knew she would need time after she found the card, just like he needed time after his torture. He was so lost in thought he didn't hear Sam the first couple times he called his name.

"What'd the note say?" Sam asks

"what note?"

"Deeks we are highly trained agents, we know it was you who put the note in the file so she would find it." Callen says

Deeks sighs and looks at them both, before I tell you what it said at least tell me if she was angry.

"No she wasn't. She had that I'm missing a piece of the puzzle look that she always gets" Sam said

"The one she gets before saying what?" Deeks asks

"Yep" they both said

"Alright I told her I'd be with her every step of the way, even if she didn't see me. It's something I've always said when I can't be there to have her back in the field.. I just thought if I told her I was still here that she'd talk to me, that she'd let me back in."

"Give her some time Deeks, she'll come around."

"I know. I'm not going anywhere, I've already promised I would be patient with her."

Sam and Callen exchanged a look and turned back to him "So uh how long were you two an item before the Thappa case?" Callen inquires

Deeks chuckles and decides it's time to change topics from his and Kensi's personal life "What's new with you and Joelle?"

"You're right it's not my business" Callen says with a smirk on his face.

"I figured" Deeks says with cheeky grin

The work day ended on a pretty boring note. No case that required them to go out in the field, the guys invited him out for beers but he opted to go home and get some rest told them some other night and they'd be on him. He unlocked his door and set his keys on the table and grabbed a beer out of the fridge and flicked the cap in the garbage before turning around and seeing her sitting there on his couch in the dark.

"I needed you Deeks, and you weren't there" she says not looking up

"I'm here now Kensi, all you gotta do is just let me in"

"I needed you to rescue me like I rescued you"

"You mean when you left me tied to that chair?"

"I came back for you!" her vulnerability now evident as the tears rolled down her cheeks "I was following orders, and it killed me. I just assumed you would come with where we heading with our thing and after that night but.."

"You really don't have a clue do you?" he interrupts with a sarcastic laugh "you know you once told me you knew what I was going through, but obviously you didn't because if you did we wouldn't be having this fight."

"You said you were good that I had no reason to worry about you."

"I know Kens and I act like nothing bothers me, it's what I have always done but at the end of the day there will always be that one thing that takes me back.."

_Flash Back_

"_Sam, Callen you are needed in ops immediately Mr. Deeks my office please." Hetty said_

"_Is this in regards to Kensi and her classified job Hetty?"_

"_Mr. Deeks I'm sorry to tell you this but Granger has lost contact with Ms. Blye"_

"_How? Why? This wouldn't have happened if you had not sent her there alone! What was she doing there any ways?"_

"_Mr. Deeks I need you to calm down."_

"_Calm down!? You can't be serious. My partner is missing because of a job you sent her on. For all we know she could already be dead."_

"_I doubt that Mr. Deeks, we must think positive. Sam and Callen flight leaves at 2100. You are to go home."_

"_No I have to go she needs me"_

"_I'm afraid that's not possible. We don't know what condition your partner will be in when we find her, and we can not risk your life on the mission. I'm sorry Mr. Deeks"_

"_What the hell am I suppose to do in the mean time? You can't expect me to sit here the whole time."_

"_You will go home and take care of yourself and Monty. And that is an order Mr. Deeks"_

_Walking into his apartment and shutting his door it all hits him. He leans against the door and slides down face in his hands crying. Images of his torture flashing vividly through his mind and the pain of the drill in his teeth. He can feel it all crying out in pain. It wasn't suppose to be like this, she wasn't suppose to know what this all felt like._

Kensi watches the change in eyes and face and can tell he has gone to another place... that he's right back there in that body shop tied to that chair. "Deeks you uh.. you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, no, I don't know. I was just remembering the day Hetty told me Granger lost contact with you." he pauses to fight back the tears "I tried convincing Hetty to let me go but she said no. I wasn't in a position to go in case you were in bad shape when they found you, she told me to go home and that it was an order. All I could think of when I got home was what Sidorov and Andros did to me, I could feel the drill going into my teeth and the pain. I could have ignored orders Kens but the memories were too much, the thought of you going through what I went through.. the image of you battered and bleeding would have killed me."


End file.
